Mood: Exhausted
Listening to: Blake Shelton - Sure be cool if you did


It is one of those nights where I cannot get my mind to shut up. I am so sleepy but alas it manages to escape me. Racing thoughts and the like, This is my first time online today and it is 4:45 am so I guess that would technically mean that I was not online at all yesterday. I have not been able to focus enough on one thing to read a book. That is very stressful as reading is an outlet for me, I have my youtube playlist playing on shuffle so I don't even have to make a decision about a song cause right now my mind won't let me even think on it enough. I thought coming on here and writing for a bit would make me feel better or at least give me something to do but even now it is difficult to focus enough not to stray the subject. I love music there is rarely a time in my life that music is not playing. I listen to just about every genre I can think of with the exception of polka. Lately when I try to go to sleep paranoia takes over, it seems like the moment I become "still" the $#%^ hits the fan so to speak. Paranoia,agitation, conversations in my head with more than one voice. WTF? I moved across the country and have yet to see a therapist or mental health professional for that matter. I have been off meds since roughly June. I sometimes feel like I am watching my life play in front of me like a movie without the option to react. I mean my body is reacting but I am not, what the hell is that about? The other night I went to bed around 3 am to try to sleep but the moment I stopped listening to music and reading articles online and settled down in my bed with the lights off it got ugly. First the paranoia set in, it was extreme. I felt like I was screaming inside my mind but no sounds escaped me. It seemed endless then a soft little crying voice was in my head like a thought but not my thought. Then the weirdest thing happened.... I got this mental image of a little girl crying holding a teddy bear curled up in a corner. I don't know how I knew but the little girls name is Sophia and she is 6. I have never seen this little girl before so how would I know her in my mind? Let me say this, My name is not Sophia and I have never personally met anyone by that name. After the image of the little girl left the "screaming" in my head started back up. I don't know.... I am lost and not sure what is going on. After that night I called and made an appointment with a dr in the new town I am in. I am nervous about going to a new dr, I do not trust easily and I don't know if I can open up to them.

I am starting to think that any help the government offers the mentally ill is a scam and it's all about the money and no one is helped but those running the city. I live in a city that is exploiting the mentally ill by way of creating a program to keep the mentally ill out of jail.If any of you know anything about the jail system and how they profit off criminals and how plea bargaining is the standard offer you should know this is against the law.
This offer is given to the mentally ill homeless population, even if you are innocent you have to plead guilty or you will not be released so you lie! Commit perjury or go back to jail! The homeless that are mentally ill sleep outdoors and if caught, they will be ticketed and sent to court. Many do not remember to go to court especially the mentally ill so they get arrested for failure to comply it never ends and it never helps yet this city keeps doing this over and over and they cry the jail is full of homeless and in needs to stop says the Sheriff but it wont because it makes money for the city elite.They target the poor the homeless and the mentally ill knowing they are easy game.

The "criminal" (my son ) is in court for his crime of sleeping in the mountains (trespassing) the judge has seen him before and thinks he would benefit from The Program,the "criminal" wants a cigarette and to get away from the jail house bullies that harass him so naturally he agrees to go into the program. I might add he gave me permission to speak to his public defender to discuss the program with me but she would not return my calls - the day after my son agreed to the program without being able to consult me,she called me back.

The program cost the city quite a bit of money for a program that dispenses meds - most of which goes to the employees.My son was released from jail looking like a cave man - no haircut offered,no clothing - he was given a pair of shoes with no shoe strings from this caring program of ten years...how degrading is that? And he was forced to live with criminals at a work release program until housing was found for him (4 months). I had to beg my other son to let him come live with us as my son was having his clothing ( my other son bought him a Winter coat,shoes etc.) stolen and money being suckered out of him.This is the SAFE place they ordered him to...all about the clients well being right? Ha ha.
Here is the program - group with an instructor that is "Playing" the part... he gives homework that I can't even understand,it's stupid and makes no sense I ask my son what are you supposed to do with this he says I don't know.You also have a weekly meeting with your therapist and of course the forced meds,if you are not on medicare/medicaid you must pay for your own meds. As far as your basic needs being met as stated in their brochure,they are not met. One has to wonder where is all the money really going? I've seen State run re-habs rip off the tax paying people by hiring staff that were not even licensed therapist! No felony? You qualify. My so had his therapist replaced....because medicare would not pay her -why? they wont tell us why but I'm guessing she was not qualified to help my son. She comes from the local mental health center which is in cahoots with the courts and this scam program...did they not know she was not qualified or were they willing to give it a shot and try to fraud to gov by hiring her anyway?

What I need is guidance,this program needs to be investigated and I can't trust any of the city officials here as they are all in on it together. So many folks have been harmed by this Judge and her peon associates,she even jumped on the money wagon and is facilitating a not needed second program which requires the client to meet with her weekly for sanctions or to be rewarded. She goes on to reward them if they've been good with a bottle of laundry detergent purchased from the dollar store!!! I kid you not,once she gave cookies?...

[ Continued ]

I have read many of the posts and relate to all, how do we stop? Some days I don't feel I will stop until I have gotten myself in so deep that I have lost not only all of my money and then some but also everything I own (wich is not much anymore) have been fired from my job have no car and so on...I read about people somehow banning themselfs from the casino's how do you do that and how could they keep you out? If it works I will go for it. Please help I can't do this anymore all it does is make me hate myself and avoid everyone who loves me.

Hello.

I want some help. I didn't really want to tell this to my parents because I was afraid of their reaction if they knew about this...unhealthy habit of mine. I'm sorry for the grammatical errors, English isn't my first language and I'm in a rush while writing this.

You can call me Audrii—not my real name, of course—and I'm turning 16 this year. Unfortunately, I had this issue since I was 13. I created people inside my head and pretended they were real. I named them Luke, Luis and Mary. Luke and Luis are twins, and Mary grew up around them. I thought of them as my childhood friends and eventually, told my best friends about them even though they're not real.

Eventually, it got worse. I've been telling false stories about them and were weaving lies on the spot, it scared me because it came so naturally that I couldn't stop it. It came down to a point where my circle of friends at school found out about it and instead of giving up for getting caught red-handed, I just lied to them—again—and was so agitated by the fact that they knew about my lies. I covered it up by crying and telling them that they had died, and they accepted that reasoning.

They dropped it, and I never told stories about my imaginary childhood friends to that circle ever again. Some complicated stuff followed after that but in the end, I couldn't stop craving for my imaginary childhood friends so I ended up raising them from the dead. I ended up falling for one of those imaginary friends, primarily Luke. It felt so real to the point I got scared investing in making real relationships happen.

Sometimes I feel like I really am just a skilled liar. But I kept up this ruse for 3 years now and they feel so real. I want it to stop. Please, any help with identifying just what the in the world is wrong with my head would be very much appreciated; if you can also advise me just how I could bring this to the attention of my parents I'd be really grateful. Thank you for reading this far, have a nice day.


— Audrii

About me and how I need help psychologically...

So this page is all about me, myself and my book of wild thoughts. Obviously my name is not Bookof!! I’m intending to keep anonymity at least for now; that’s because I’m a bit ashamed of what I write! I did not even link it to my own personal Facebook profile, I preferred to create a different entity, and this is being applied onto all my self-owned social network profiles. Besides, it’s in my constitutional rights to do so and if anybody’s got a problem with that, well…. Door’s open, please go !!

So what is book of wild thoughts all about, I can hear you mumbling… As said above, this book is all about me and my personality and how I’m intending, with the help of all my readers, to achieve in linking them harmoniously. There are other areas I’m looking forward to improve as well: my own English writing style, some books and stories I wanted to publish. So this website is all about gathering enough courage in me to really do what I always wanted !!

I’ll probably add some more text in the future for that’s all I feel like writing at the moment; my wife’s nearly finished with cooking dinner and it’s about time to wrap the napkin around the closet, oops sorry! I meant around the neck;

Just to let you know how it took me days before I started to lay my hands on my own personal blog, I even threw up out of eating whatever came in, I think it’s the stress LOL ! I don’t know why such a reaction would occur to me, maybe I got too lazy to start working on it… So you can guess by now, or I can already hear you screaming, “How am I supposed to know that?? Ain’t you old enough to know it (oh, btw, how rude of me, I’m male, thirties, and married. Where were my manners!?) yourself why are you asking me??”

So here we go: my answer is exactly your question, I don’t know myself enough and this has caused me (and is still causing me) tremendous trouble in whatever I do, whoever I lived with, in all what you can think of! This lack of personality, of self-esteem has brought me to where I am at present, a lousy web developer after 10 years in the field and writing this blog! Of course, I managed to get a nice girl to fall in love with, a little plot of land I managed to get on a good opportunity, but ‘all’ this achievement (LOL) seems so small as compared to the $#%^ I brought to my family, my wife and luckily no kids so far! Imagine the disaster, for my wife: 2 stubborn kids in the house!

So many of my friends have excelled in the field, they took courage, had the balls still have, and grabbed life with firm hands to build their dreams and be happy with their life now. It would have sounded so selfish if I had ended this sentence with “except me”!! I have a great family, wonderful parents whom I never blame for where I’m standing now, a wonderful wife who has accepted to bear me for three years now and a nice work atmosphere, what more could I want? What more would a man need to start flying on his own ship and start his business ‘happily ever after’ ??

So all these lines of thought, these wild thoughts (I’ve got more, don’t worry!!) have led me to share my life and my own thoughts into a small book which I’ll update online of course, from time to time. I’ll be pretty close with it, since I’m intending to use it anywhere I’ll be, using my mobile phone; yes, even when I’m taking a $#%^ !

That’s because it’s better to be writing something than doing anything else #######5, how about that !?

Thanks for reading my article down to here and hope I can get to read your comments very soon!